They're gone, it's safe to wake up again.

     Well Hot Christ! It just feels good to start hittin' the old keys again and not having to worry about the deadlines that are due along with it. As a writer we all start doing it for two reasons: Your that kid that can write well, and you got no direction and its the easiest; or you love it. I think I'm the second, clearly. I needed to take a break though. I love learning, discussing, reading, and writing more than most, but you can only read so much before your head wants to explode and you just can't digest anymore coffee. But in this time following graduation I have had plenty to keep my mind stirring and constantly craving to produce, whether it be the last times that I got to spend  with my brothers on the team and how it all came to a close at the end, the reflections on my time in college as an academic or the possibilities that lie vague and indistinguishable in my ever changing future. the only way it seems to solidify in my mind is through writing it down in my own misconstrued and slightly more structured writing.
     A romantic like myself, goes into situations in life saying, "I have no idea where I'm gonna be at the end of this but, Fuck it." But in truth, I think all people who are affiliated with sport in any level say that to themselves at some point. Matter of fact, I think we all do. We all dream of doing what we have trained our whole lives for and reaching the highest level of our craft. But at some point in the process, the dream fades and other things are prioritized as that strange point of realism kicks in. It hasn't happened to me yet; still living in the same unaltered mindset and style that I did while I was playing and getting sponsored by the university to uphold. But that is no more. I live now, for the moment, in a place of opportunity, with a span of months that holds as much promise as I put into it.
     I prepared for training a couple days after I got back to Boise, with no more direction than the words of my elders (former seniors in my position) 'you have to get into the best shape that you have ever been in'. I saw many of my brothers that I played and graduated with packing up their belongings and leaving their houses that they had been in since we left the dorms, headed for new beginnings and uncharted sections of their lives outside of football. At the same time, there was still a large group of us that were out to try our hand at the next level and chase those dreams that we had playing in the streets as kids. A lot of them headed off to train in the traditional places like California and Indianapolis. I would be a liar if I didn't feel the discouraging effect of there movement in juxtaposition to me here at home. I missed seeing Shea, Chase, and Tyrone every time I would go to the football offices and the weight room, boys that I would game plan with and talk to about what we were going to try on the tackles for the next week. I came to this simple realization in the wake of our separation, I am finally on my own. But in that I am the only one that could get me where I need to be to accomplish these things that I want.
    In the first days I was home I started to fall into the same routine I did every winter we had off from football; I'd hangout and get back in touch with my friends from high school. Start drinking out of boredom and nostalgia for what use to be my release from the structure of the program. I woke up one morning in the throws of a vicious hangover. With the taste of wine lingering in my mouth and felt the need to start the process as soon as I could. So I came in to get a lift in and though I had been gone for less than a week and a half, it felt strange to me. I didn't HAVE to be there, but i did. The weight room was empty apart from the singular athletes that were in season and hadn't gone home for the holidays and the coaches that were setting up the lifting schedules for the next group that was coming in soon. That place had been something to me that was like a sanctuary where my achievements had stemmed from. I was proud of all the sweat angels I left and now, all the times that I tried and failed. But now it was different. I had no real plan yet, I was on my own amidst a multitude of ideas that I had that would help me get faster and stronger for the things to come. I took off my sweats and looked around for awhile, unsure and scared to make too much noise in a huge room that I used to run around screaming and singing. I snapped my headphones in and through some weight on the Olympic bar. I hadn't done any sort of cleans for half the season after bruising my shoulder against Air force. I gripped the bar tight on the floor, pulled it to the sky like I had many times over, met it low catching it soft on my shoulders, rose up out of a low squat and threw it off as I reached the top. As the weight slammed the floor, the resounding pound connecting with every corner of the weight room, I had a moment of clarity. This time alone wasn't something to fear, but like the many moments previous, it was something to Cherish. I had reached this place in my life with my dreams still in sight and though my brothers weren't there with me as they were during the season, I still had a chance. I finished working out and went outside to run were there was no one else but the empty stadium. I embraced the cold in my lungs as I ran those sprints. Each breath was something no one would know about but me.
      As the week passed on, more of my senior comrades started to filter in and comfort, till Monday the 9th when we all reported for formal training with coach Socha. I was happy to see Efaw, Billy, Brotzman, and Jeremy all had decided to stay and train as well. It reminded me that, yes, it would be a great experience to go and train with other athletes from all across the country, but it also is who you train that can help you. Nothing pushes a man like telling him he might not be ready or good enough to play at this level, but when you get a group of individuals like that is when it really becomes dangerous.
    Now a couple weeks into this experience and with others like Byron, Stanaway, My boy Chuck, Ced, and Tevis in there training as well, I have never felt more motivated to take advantage of this time before our March Pro-day and show the teams in the NFL that we can be a positive and productive attribute to their programs.